Gentle Trace

Lately, my mind keeps returning to a few simple but persistent dreams. The first is traveling—starting with a slow trip around Indonesia, then, if possible, continuing abroad. Watching travel vlogs makes me want to capture small happy moments, take photos, and share those stories so others who haven't had the chance can feel inspired. Close behind that is the idea of moving away and living independently: leaving home for a while, learning to manage my own life, and discovering what I can do on my own. If any of those dreams could happen tomorrow, the plan is almost childish in it's simplicity: pack my bag, ask my boss for leave, and bring my younger sister along. I imagine walking slowly through new streets, feeling that quiet awe that comes with seeing something for the first time. Those images warm me up inside. Reality, however, pulls me back. The main reason these dreams are on hold is money. My finances are messy right now—savings aren't growing and expenses feel like ...

Behind my desire to move away and travel, there are two things that always stand in the way: finances and skills. Every time I want to take a bigger step, these two feel like walls blocking me. 💸 On Finances The salary I earn now is enough for daily needs, but there's almost never anything left to save. My money goes to snacks, daily necessities, cat's food, and sometimes small things that aren't really essential. Even though I'm not the breadwinner of the family, since I started working, I feel awkward if I don't help with household needs like toiletries, tissues, or other basics. Often, when shopping, I don't realize how much I've spent until I see the total—even though the items don't look like much. The cost of living has become so expensive; everything keeps rising. As a result, saving feels impossible because the money always gets used up. Big dreams like moving away or traveling feel so far away. I've thought maybe the solution is to find a j...

Beberapa minggu lalu, saya mendapat tugas rehabilitasi drainase di Kediri. Biasanya pekerjaan saya hanya sebatas laporan dan input data. Baru kali ini saya diminta menganalisis hidrologi, hidrolika saluran dengan SWMM, sekaligus menghitung RAB. Biasanya saya berbagi tugas dengan teman kantor yang lebih ahli—dia tegas, cepat, dan paham hidrologi lebih dalam—dan saya seperti asistennya. Kali ini saya harus sendirian. Ada rasa takut dan khawatir karena tidak ada teman diskusi, tidak ada pembagi beban. Awalnya saya hanya diminta mengerjakan hidrologi dan hidrolika. Itu saja sudah memakan waktu lama karena data topografi tidak kunjung lengkap. Lalu mendadak saya juga diminta menghitung RAB—sesuatu yang belum pernah saya kerjakan. Benar-benar tidak ada gambaran. Akhirnya saya mengerjakan “seadanya” dengan target “yang penting selesai”, karena tenggatnya pendek dan tenaga hanya saya seorang. Setiap kali saya minta bos mengecek dulu sebelum dikirim, jawabannya selalu “nanti saya cek, sementara...

For the past few years, I've worked in water infrastructure projects. My job is mostly about technical reports, budgeting and project administration. It's stable. It's familiar. But sometimes, I ask myself: is this really where I want to grow? To be honest, I often feel that I don't deserve this job. I've studied in this field and graduated, but I often feel that my knowledge is not enough. When I look at the wider world of water resources engineering, I feel very small. I only work in the office—a small part of the system. My coworkers are all smart and capable, that it's exhausting to comparing myself to them. I often feel like I'm the weakest one. Sometimes I wonder why my boss have never fired anyone. If I worked somewhere else, maybe I would have been let go already. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to pay severance? I don't know. But I do know that I feel stuck. I also don't know if this is the kind of work I truly want. The salary is...

 Hello friends, It has been a long time since I wrote here. Work and daily life made me stop for a while. But now I feel like I want to write again. I work in water projects. Most of my days are about numbers, reports, and budgets. But behind that, there are many small stories. Sometimes the work is hard, sometimes it feels not fair, and sometimes I learn something new. Writing helps me clear my mind. It is not about big ideas. It is about sharing simple thoughts and experience. Maybe my words can help someone, or maybe they just show a real picture of my life. This post is my first step. I do not know how often I will write. But I want to try, slowly, one topic at a time. Thank you for reading. I hope we can grow together through these words. Best, Shaqin Photo: Healthy rice plants growing under a cloudy sky, protected by a fine net to keep birds away. A quiet moment from the field—where care and patience work together to protect the harvest  

There were times when I finished Salat and felt empty. My body had bowed, my lips had moved, but my heart felt distant. I wondered, "Why do I still feel disconnected?" I ask my friend for a book or reference that could relate to what I was feeling—especially the emptiness I sometimes felt after prayer. My friend gave me a PDF of The Secret of Divine Love . I was surprised because the whole book was in English. But when I started reading, I was even more surprised—it was so poetic and touching. Reading an English book with everyday words is already hard for me—so reading something this poetic felt more challenging. But with Copilot's help, I was able to understand each paragraph, even if it took extra effort and a few deep breaths, haha. It felt like climbing a steep hill, but every sentence I understood was like finding a small flower along the way. And finally, I was able to finish one chapter about Salat. It felt like finding a mirror that reflected my heart. Salat is n...

 What is the true essence of worship? This question doesn’t arise from defiance, but from a longing to understand. Sometimes, when I pray, my lips move to recite the verses, but my thoughts wander elsewhere. I know that prayer is an obligation, yet at times it feels like a formality — “at least I’ve prayed.” Is that okay? There were moments when I deeply longed to be closer to God. During those times, I felt every verse of the prayer resonate within me, even though I didn’t understand each word’s meaning, as the prayer is in Arabic. Somehow, I felt calm. A quiet peace settled in, during and after the prayer. But that feeling didn’t last. The chain broke when I entered a period of rest from worship — a time when my body wasn’t permitted to pray. After that, I wanted so much to return to that sense of closeness. But it kept slipping away, distracted by everything else happening around me. It felt like a distance I couldn’t quite reach again. After prayer, I often feel empty. As if...