Gentle Trace

There were times when I finished Salat and felt empty. My body had bowed, my lips had moved, but my heart felt distant. I wondered, "Why do I still feel disconnected?" I ask my friend for a book or reference that could relate to what I was feeling—especially the emptiness I sometimes felt after prayer. My friend gave me a PDF of The Secret of Divine Love . I was surprised because the whole book was in English. But when I started reading, I was even more surprised—it was so poetic and touching. Reading an English book with everyday words is already hard for me—so reading something this poetic felt more challenging. But with Copilot's help, I was able to understand each paragraph, even if it took extra effort and a few deep breaths, haha. It felt like climbing a steep hill, but every sentence I understood was like finding a small flower along the way. And finally, I was able to finish one chapter about Salat. It felt like finding a mirror that reflected my heart. Salat is n...

 What is the true essence of worship? This question doesn’t arise from defiance, but from a longing to understand. Sometimes, when I pray, my lips move to recite the verses, but my thoughts wander elsewhere. I know that prayer is an obligation, yet at times it feels like a formality — “at least I’ve prayed.” Is that okay? There were moments when I deeply longed to be closer to God. During those times, I felt every verse of the prayer resonate within me, even though I didn’t understand each word’s meaning, as the prayer is in Arabic. Somehow, I felt calm. A quiet peace settled in, during and after the prayer. But that feeling didn’t last. The chain broke when I entered a period of rest from worship — a time when my body wasn’t permitted to pray. After that, I wanted so much to return to that sense of closeness. But it kept slipping away, distracted by everything else happening around me. It felt like a distance I couldn’t quite reach again. After prayer, I often feel empty. As if...

Apa sebenarnya esensi dari beribadah? Pertanyaan itu muncul bukan karena ingin membantah, tapi karena ingin memahami. Kadang, saat aku shalat, bibirku bergerak membaca bacaan, tapi pikiranku melayang ke hal lain. Aku tahu shalat adalah kewajiban, tapi kadang rasanya hanya seperti formalitas — “yang penting aku sudah shalat.” Apakah boleh seperti itu? Aku pernah merasakan keinginan yang sangat kuat untuk lebih dekat dengan Tuhan. Di saat-saat tertentu, aku benar-benar meresapi setiap bacaan shalat, meski tidak tahu arti per katanya. Bacaan itu dalam bahasa Arab, tapi entah bagaimana, aku merasa tenang. Ada rasa damai yang menyelimuti, selama dan setelah shalat. Namun rasa itu tidak bertahan lama. Rantai itu terputus saat memasuki masa istirahat dari ibadah — masa di mana tubuhku tidak diizinkan untuk shalat. Setelah itu, aku ingin sekali mengembalikan rasa tenang dan kedekatan itu. Tapi rasanya selalu teralihkan oleh hal-hal lain yang terjadi. Seperti ada jarak yang sulit dijangkau ke...

What am I really feeling when I wake up and everything feels heavy? Lately, I've been waking up with a heavy feeling in my chest. It starts with the usual thoughts—feeding the cats, cleaning the litter box, tidying up whatever mess they made overnight. Then, of course, getting ready for work. The routine itself isn't dramatic, but something about it feels heavier than it should. The hardest part, I think, is going to work. Spending the whole day sitting in front of a laptop, eyes strained, head aching from reports and endless analysis. It happens five days a week. Not even full-time, not 24/7—but somehow, I feel exhausted all the time. Sometimes I imagine escaping. Resigning. Staying home. Just playing with my cats and letting the world go on without me. But I need money. I need to feed them. And so, I keep showing up—even when my spirit feels like it's somewhere else. 😧 What do I keep returning to in my thoughts, even when I try to move on? I feel tired every time these...

Lately, I've been sitting with thoughts I don't fully understand. They come quietly, sometimes in the middle of chores, sometimes when I'm alone with my cats. I don't always know what they mean, but I feel them tugging at me. And because I don’t always know what these thoughts are trying to tell me, I’ve started asking myself questions. Not to fix anything, but to listen more closely. So here's the list of questions I've been asking myself lately—quietly, slowly, like peeling layers I did'nt know were there. I don't always have the answers. But maybe the asking is enough for now. I got these questions from Copilot, as always. Questions to Peel My Thoughts: What am I really feeling when I wake up and everything feels heavy? What do I keep returning to in my thoughts, even when I try to move on? What did I see, hear, smell, or touch today that stayed with me? What version of myself do I meet in my imagination—and why does she feel more real than th...