Dreams I'm Temporarily Putting On Hold

Lately, my mind keeps returning to a few simple but persistent dreams. The first is traveling—starting with a slow trip around Indonesia, then, if possible, continuing abroad. Watching travel vlogs makes me want to capture small happy moments, take photos, and share those stories so others who haven't had the chance can feel inspired. Close behind that is the idea of moving away and living independently: leaving home for a while, learning to manage my own life, and discovering what I can do on my own.

If any of those dreams could happen tomorrow, the plan is almost childish in it's simplicity: pack my bag, ask my boss for leave, and bring my younger sister along. I imagine walking slowly through new streets, feeling that quiet awe that comes with seeing something for the first time. Those images warm me up inside.

Reality, however, pulls me back. The main reason these dreams are on hold is money. My finances are messy right now—savings aren't growing and expenses feel like they leak everywhere. There was a time I could set aside a little; now, not being in debt feels like a win. That pressure makes me worry: if I lose my job, will I shrink into nothing? That fear is loud and grounding at the same time.

Underneath the travel dreams is another wish I sometimes dismiss: to stand on my own. I notice how much I still rely on others and how little confidence I have when I must do things alone. So before I chase faraway places, I want to learn to say "okay" to myself—to trust my own decisions, step by step.

There are bigger, more purposeful dreams too. I want a decent job with a good salary, ideally abroad, so my family and I won't struggle financially anymore. With that stability, I imagine being able to donate freely—helping people without counting the remaining balance in my account. That includes supporting disaster victims in Indonesia and places like Palestine; the thought of being able to reach out when people need it most makes the dream feel meaningful beyond myself. I also want to bring joy to myself—to enjoy life, learn new things, and have the freedom to treat myself now and then.

Seeing friends and others achieve similar dreams brings mixed feelings. I'm proud and inspired when they post their trips, but I also feel a sting because I'm not there yet. Sometimes that sting turns into motivation; other times it makes me step back because my situation is different. To keep the dream alive, I watch vlogs, read travel stories, and let myself imagine. I'm also trying small, practical changes—like fasting to cut down on impulse spending—so I can slowly rebuild control.

When I picture five years from now, I see myself in Europe: walking under an autumn sky, breathing cool air, finally experiencing four seasons. That image comforts me, but it also brings a quiet fear—what if it never happens? I know I tend to blame myself for a long time when things don't work out, and that fear of deep regret pushes me to be careful with my next steps. 

So I'm focusing on what I can control: building skills. Improving both soft skills and technical abilities feels like the most practical first move. With better skills I can aim for a better job, find side work that fits, and gradually stabilize my income. That steadying of the basics would make the bigger dreams—travel, independence, helping others—feel possible rather than distant.

For now, I'm keeping these dreams close and quiet. They're still mine, but I'm not ready to broadcast them widely. Maybe one day I'll tell the story from the beginning—how I saved, how I learned, how I finally left home—and people will hear it as a slow, honest journey. Until then, I'll protect the dreams, take small steps, and keep imagining the places I want to go.

Like leaves that must be cleared of pests to turn green again, my dreams need tending: 
sorting my finances, learning new skills, and finding the courage to take a step. 
The process is slow, but I believe one day they will bloom.